Why am I STILL single?

Disclaimer: By the time this post went into publishing, I cannot confirm nor deny that I was still single.

“You’re gorgeous, intelligent, independent, kind – Straight up wife material –  why are you still single?”

This has got to be my most favourite question (Insert sarcasm here). I have been asked this question so frequent that it has become an anthem for my friends and family. It seems being in a relationship is a prerequisite for someone my age.

Well, there is the cliché and somewhat true reason as to why I am still single – I have a very busy life and I just don’t have time for a relationship, I have a long list of what I’m looking for in a significant other, I’m really not the easiest person to date, the dating pool for someone my age is full of shallow guys who just cannot hold an intellectual conversation……and so forth!

For the longest period of time I’ve given the above answer when asked this question, but I had to take some time and dig deep, I had to reflect, I had to reconnect and I had to be honest with myself as to why I was still single.

I’ve only ever been in a relationship twice in my entire life and I’ve only ever been in love once. I’ve had crushes, I’ve gone on dates and I’ve tried to give people chances but there’s just always been something holding me back.

I dated my first boyfriend for 4 years and it was probably the worst 4 years of my life.  The only problem I had with that relationship is just how low I fell, how I let someone else treat me in such a way and how I still held on, still forgave and still loved. I was someone I never thought I could be and someone I never want to be again in my life. I’ve justified why I stayed with “I was young, naïve and in love” but I now know that I was in a dark place, I had a low self esteem and more than anything I needed him to justify my worth. I felt I needed to be with him in order to know that it’s possible for another human being to fall in love with me and perhaps with that knowledge, I could be able to fall in love with myself as well.

There is this quote that  says “Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life”. So often in relationships, we rely our happiness on someone else, we give other people power over our lives, our joy. I’ve lied to my own friends and family for someone else, I’ve forgiven someone who hasn’t even asked for forgiveness, I’ve justified someone else’s wrong doing in my head and I’ve let someone else drag me down. I could write a book of everything I’ve allowed that I shouldn’t have allowed, there are scars and they run deep… and for the most part.. that is why I’ve been single.

Once I decided to get out of the bad relationship I was in, I had to reconnect with myself, I had to learn who I was – my hobbies, my goals, my dreams, my fears, my doubts… these are things I didn’t know about myself because I never gave myself enough attention. I had to acknowledge that I didn’t love myself and therefore I relied on someone else to love me, which was not fair on the other person as well.

Love is a beautiful thing, it makes you smile when you’re sitting alone, it gives you butterflies, it’s supportive, it’s understanding, it’s patient and sometimes it’s frustrating. This is something that I had to figure out by myself. As cliché as this sounds, I’ve been single because I’ve been trying to learn who I was. I had to forgive the other person and I had to forgive myself, I had to know that “it’s okay”, my past is a part of who I am but it’s not my only determining factor, it’s a learning stone. In order to move forward I had to be okay, and being okay meant seeing the person who hurt you and not wanting to strangle them, it meant being honest about my feelings, it meant healing (Be it speaking about it or reflecting/meditating). My mom always told me that you can’t open another door before you close the open one.

I’m at a point in my life where I am so content with who I am and where I am, this is a feeling I have wanted for so long. It’s a feeling of gratitude and peace of mind, it’s wanting someone to share in my life but not make my life, it’s a feeling of knowing my worth and all the magic I possess. It’s a feeling of acknowledging how I’ve been a victim of my condemnation, its surviving and thriving, it’s learning and it’s forgiving. Only at this point in my life can I hear the question “why are you STILL single” and actually manage to smile and give an honest answer, because I know I will be in a relationship because I WANT to and not because I NEED to, it’s a good place to be in.

Disclaimer: By the time this post went into publishing, I cannot confirm nor deny that I was still single.

Published by Sibahle Teyise

Mholo, Hello, Groete, Sawubona, Lotjhani, Dumela, Ndaa, Avuxeni! I’m Sibahle Teyise, JAGWAT founder and head content writer. I have an Undergraduate Degree from UCT majoring in Public Policy and Literature, as well as a Postgraduate Diploma from UCT specialising in Marketing, Events Management and Business Communication. I am an author under construction, working on my book to be published soon- "When It Happens For Girls Like Us". I started JAGWAT in 2017, following the success of my personal blog - Tales Of The Mute. The inspiration to start JAGWAT came after hearing the sad stories of women being murdered on a daily basis, the violence against women as well as the many stories of women taking their own lives because of suffering in silence. JAGWAT provides a platform for women to take back the power by sharing their stories on a public central platform and with this, they show other women that they are not alone. I believe that when women stand together great things happen. No women should suffer in silence and the more we speak up as women and create a sisterhood and support group, the more powerful we can become. I am passionate about communities with women from disadvantaged backgrounds and JAGWAT supports Women Initiatives as well as making a difference in various schools from the township by offering assistance to learners in the form of mentorship and tutoring. I am a self-proclaimed book-worm and although I am a shy person, I am a motivational public speaker. I was heavily bullied in primary as well as high school and I am extremely passionate about Anti-Bullying campaigns and initiatives. I read, I write, I gym, I pray, I cycle, , I hike, I run, and pretty much everything in between. I am a weight loss motivator having lost 16kg in the past 2 years, which is quite an achievement for someone who can’t cook. (Thank GOD for food that can easily be boiled!!) I am a firm believer that an empowered women can empower other women and JAGWAT aims to be that platform for Women Empowerment. On a lighter note: I have the worst music playlist in the history of playlists.

29 thoughts on “Why am I STILL single?

  1. Sibahle, my heart broke into little pieces. I think so many people fall into this trap especially with the first boyfriend. Thank you so much for sharing, you are a beautiful human being

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  2. Well, my view is that we don’t know what we really want in a relationship because, of course, we haven’t experienced what we think we want. The relationships we have help us evaluate what we want and help shape us. In the end, Whitney Houston’s song “The Greatest Love of All”, says it all. You cannot love another person ‘properly’ or be loved by another person ‘properly’ except we truly love ourselves.

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    1. I absolutely agree with you. It’s such a pity that we have to go through so much pain in order to realize the importance of self love though. Thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your thoughts with me.

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    1. Thank you so much for the support, I appreciate it, I’m glad you relate, self love is very important before entering into any relationship.

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  3. This is beautiful Sibahle. It’s honest and raw, you never seize to amaze me. This is a side of you that many people need to see, I’m so proud of you for breaking your walls down in such a public space.

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  4. Wow this is so powerful and the only thing I can say is. It takes a real strong and determined woman to do what you did girl.
    Adding on your words I can say love is a strong medication or therapy and for internal healing it takes self love to heal.

    Stay blessed Snake.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading my blog, I appreciate the support. I absolutely agree, self love is mandatory for anyone to step into a relationship.

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    1. My love, I’m so glad that you are inspired by my story. Writing this helped me heal as well and I am so happy that it touched your heart. Thank you for your support.

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  5. Wow! Beautifully written I love the last part being content with where you’re at and enjoying being you. So I will go into a relationship because I want to not because I NEED to! You’ve now def gained yourself a follower. Keep writhing girl❤
    I actually saw this shared by a friend of mine on fb, next article gmail will alert me 😉

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    1. Thank you so much. I really appreciate the support and I’m glad it has inspired you, this came from my heart and I wanted to share my experiences and lessons with those I could touch. Thank you so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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