I have been staring at a blank screen for so many hours, typing and deleting… so many thoughts running through my mind.
“Where do I start? Which story do I tell? How do I tell this part of my story?”
Sometimes I wonder if I was really born in 1992, I mean how is it even possible for a 25 year old to have endured so much? Oh well...!!
One Saturday morning I woke up and I had this heavy feeling, I felt like crying, I don’t know why but I just had this big lump in my throat. I decided to go for a jog even though I ended up walking. It was very cold outside and the streets were very quiet… just what I needed. All of a sudden this one word got stuck on my mind “ungrateful”. It started as a whisper and the more I tried to walk it out, the louder it got… screaming in my head “UNGRATEFUL!! UNGRATEFUL!! UNGRATEFUL! Damn! My demons have returned.
I remember many years ago, when I was a teenage and staying with my aunt. I was not happy, I felt unloved, I felt like no-one really paid attention to me, my only wish back then was to have someone say nice things to me instead of always being scolded. I loved school more than home, oh gosh I hated the weekend – two days of being at home were just too much. I eventually reached a point where I knew I wanted to get away from this “place called home”. I started looking for legal guidance and eventually went to the social workers who gave me a “summoning letter” to hand to my aunt. I wanted to die, couldn’t they just get me into an orphanage home ubomi buqhubeke? How was I going to explain this letter to my aunt? This dreadful letter. Not that she couldn’t read, but how do I explain the fact that I reported her to the social workers?
I left the letter on top of he bed and went to the library, when I got back home I found my aunt with her sister (my other aunt) and her friend. She didn’t say a thing “that’s so unlike her” I thought “or maybe she didn’t see the letter“. My second aunt was beyond pissed and she couldn’t hide it. I remember all the words she said to me, but, most importantly I remember her last words “lento ingenambulelo“. Maybe I really am ungrateful, my aunt even got sick after receiving that letter, andinambulelo nhe? I mean she took me into her house and fed me and I repay her by going to the social workers to report her, really?
Two years later, one of my teachers took me into her home. Life was good, but that’s the thing with me, my happiness just never lasts – you would swear it’s made in China… (LOL Joking). As per the norm, my happiness was taken away from me – again. I remember her words “uyohlala ungcuchalaza, bendithi ndikwenza umntu qha awunambulelo” ARG!! There’s that word again.
Moving to Johannesburg “THE CITY OF GOLD” kwanyama ayipheli kuphela izinyo lendoda was meant to be my saving grace, Johannesburg was meant to teach me GRATITUDE. After hustling I finally got my first job getting paid R700.00 a month, that is a lot when you have nothing. I had a boyfriend, tall guy, light brown eyes that complimented him and a body to die for. The way he made an effort to speak Xhosa even though it was not his mother tongue just made me weak at the knees. Groceries? Oh no, I don’t have to worry about that. Rent money? Oh no, he takes care of that as well. Cava lo God kwedini. Fast forward… I am pregnant and my prince charming is married (no no sweety, not with me), the icing on the cake is that he is expecting a child besides the one I am carrying. He never takes my calls and when he does you can tell he is not interested, actually no he is annoyed. One day we get into a fight and he tells me “you are ungrateful you little b*tch” ho ho ho there we go again “UNGRATEFUL”.
WOW!! I have just walked 10km’s without realizing it. Doing all of this reminiscing about my ungratefulness. I am intrigued tough, I really don’t want to be UNGRATEFUL. What does being grateful mean?
Does being “GRATEFUL” mean you have to stay in a place where you don’t feel welcome? Being constantly reminded that you don’t belong there and you can be chased away any day? People can say and do whatever they want and you have to accept it because ucenge uphahla over your head nokutya? So someone must come into your life and sell you dreams and then you find out that they are married and expecting a kid and you must still be grateful ngoba kaloku yet again ucenge ukutya and having a roof over your head? Kanti uthini umcimbhi ka “GRATEFUL”?