Dear insecure men

 

We have become the men we wanted to marry” Gloria Steinem

I hate to even think that I should explain myself but……..

My job is very demanding, I don’t have a 9-5 job, I have a “work until I meet deadlines and the event is done” job. I don’t have a fulltime office job, I have a “work where I’m needed” job. Sometimes I work on the weekends, most days I leave the office after 8pm and start before 7am, some days I’m neither in office nor in Cape Town – I love it this way, I love the adventure, I love the thrill of the unknown, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m 25 years old and being the youngest in my department, I feel like I’m in a good place professionally. I started working when I was 15 years old, from in-store promotions to events promotions to brand ambassador to promotions manager at 19 years old. I’ve always loved the concept of independence, I never liked asking my mom for money, perhaps it’s because I was raised by a single parent. My mother worked hard for my siblings and I, she never wanted us to feel like we were different from other kids, she wanted us to feel like we were supported by both parents, she showed me what independence meant, she showed the true strength of a woman.

I stopped asking my mom for money very early on in my teenage years, I’ve never liked asking anyone for money, I’ve always believed in working hard for what I want and earning it, this always helped me appreciate the value of what I had and not take anything for granted. I’ve always thought independence was an attractive trait in a woman until I was recently referred to as being “too independent” as a negative characteristic by a man who said he would never date “someone like me“. When I was an events manager at 20 years old, I hired my first boyfriend while we were still dating, I had to manage him amongst 80 other people, suffice to say the relationship didn’t last long after that. I remember when I was still dating and I had “relationship issues” I spoke to one of my guy friends to explain the situation and get guy advise, he said “I also wouldn’t feel safe dating you. You’re too busy shame and with everything that’s happening with girls it’s hard to trust someone like you“.

Are we really that screwed up as a generation that when a woman is seen living a good life and travelling to expensive places we automatically assume she is being financed by some older behind the scenes man? A woman cannot have a good job without it automatically being assumed she slept her way to the top? What happened to getting things on merit? What happened to woman working hard for themselves? Woman going on vacations by themselves with their own damn money? Has the “blessed” phenomenon really messed us up that much? I find it derogatory to have to explain how I can afford certain things because it is assumed that a woman of my age, culture and background is not able to do the things I do without a man. It’s insanity to have to think that when I am in a relationship I have to now provide evidence of why I am staying at 5 star hotels so frequently. It’s ludicrous! As a woman it really is not my job to make a man feel secure in a relationship.

I went on two dates with a guy this other time, we didn’t really have chemistry on the first date but I thought I should give him a second chance because I enjoyed his company and he was just a genuinely good hearted person. On our second date we went hiking and I felt so comfortable around him that it was easy for me to babble on (mostly because I had decided he was going straight to the friend zone), while I was talking he asked me “So what about me? With everything you do in your life when will you have time for me? It took us 2 months to have our second date because of your schedule, I’m worried you won’t have time for me, for us“. At that point my heart broke because I personally knew I didn’t really have time for a relationship and also because he was so sincere. I will be honest enough to admit that I suck at finding balance when it comes to other factors of my life versus dating, mostly because at this point of my life a relationship is the fifth most important thing in my life, it’s sad but it’s true. I wrote a blog where I explained how I am in a relationship because I WANT to and not because I NEED to, that might be the problem, the need really isn’t that big.

One of the things I enjoyed about my previous relationship was the fact that even though my ex did get a bit uneasy about my travelling, lifestyle and working hours he knew how to work around my life. Dates like “let’s go running after work” or let’s stay in and order take-outs with wine after a long day’s work, let’s go hiking – things that I would normally do on my own, it helped me adjust to dating again, the relationship didn’t suffocate me. I didn’t feel like I was losing a part of myself because I wanted to sustain a relationship. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. Woman are busy chasing careers, chasing their goals, chasing academics etc. as a men if you like someone you need to keep up, you need to find a way to integrate your life. It’s a give and take, but women are no longer chasing dead-end relationships or boyfriends who bring nothing to the table except empty promises, average sex, emotional baggage and heart break.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday and she was updating me on her ex boyfriend who stalked her for months on end when they were still dating. He hacked onto her phone, sent messages to everyone she was talking to, wanted her to move in with him and pretty much wanted to control her every move. It was an obsession and they were only together for two months. Is it just me or are guys just becoming more insecure these days? I’m sorry if your ex cheated on you or if your ex left you for someone who had more materialistic things to offer than you did, but I refuse to pay for someone else’s sin. I refuse to tone down my independence because I want to make you feel “secure” or “more like a man“.

I pay my own bills, open my own doors, take my own self out to movies and lunch, tell myself I’m  beautiful, go on vacations with my girls or on my own and I find that vibrators work quite well without the emotional connotation. Don’t get me wrong, I love companionship, I love having someone to go home to, someone to laugh with, talk to, someone to hug and kiss, someone to go hiking with, I love having someone to hold hands with and someone to vent to. I love being in a relationship, I love having someone to drink coffee with on a Sunday morning and I love those 3am “I can’t sleep” conversations. I believe in love and I believe in soul mates and I know that with the right person everything always falls into place. I won’t settle though, I won’t compromise and I won’t change the things I love doing because I want to make someone else feel secure. If you want to date me, the above comes with the territory. If this scares you or makes you feel like I’m too independent, then you may kindly exit left!

 

Published by Sibahle Teyise

Mholo, Hello, Groete, Sawubona, Lotjhani, Dumela, Ndaa, Avuxeni! I’m Sibahle Teyise, JAGWAT founder and head content writer. I have an Undergraduate Degree from UCT majoring in Public Policy and Literature, as well as a Postgraduate Diploma from UCT specialising in Marketing, Events Management and Business Communication. I am an author under construction, working on my book to be published soon- "When It Happens For Girls Like Us". I started JAGWAT in 2017, following the success of my personal blog - Tales Of The Mute. The inspiration to start JAGWAT came after hearing the sad stories of women being murdered on a daily basis, the violence against women as well as the many stories of women taking their own lives because of suffering in silence. JAGWAT provides a platform for women to take back the power by sharing their stories on a public central platform and with this, they show other women that they are not alone. I believe that when women stand together great things happen. No women should suffer in silence and the more we speak up as women and create a sisterhood and support group, the more powerful we can become. I am passionate about communities with women from disadvantaged backgrounds and JAGWAT supports Women Initiatives as well as making a difference in various schools from the township by offering assistance to learners in the form of mentorship and tutoring. I am a self-proclaimed book-worm and although I am a shy person, I am a motivational public speaker. I was heavily bullied in primary as well as high school and I am extremely passionate about Anti-Bullying campaigns and initiatives. I read, I write, I gym, I pray, I cycle, , I hike, I run, and pretty much everything in between. I am a weight loss motivator having lost 16kg in the past 2 years, which is quite an achievement for someone who can’t cook. (Thank GOD for food that can easily be boiled!!) I am a firm believer that an empowered women can empower other women and JAGWAT aims to be that platform for Women Empowerment. On a lighter note: I have the worst music playlist in the history of playlists.

9 thoughts on “Dear insecure men

  1. This is really true Sibahle. Woman are chasing money and good jobs and they are no longer into dead end relationships. It’s a women’s world and guys need to keep up. Thanks for this post

    Like

  2. Hahahaha Sibahle I just love you!! I love how honest and secure you are in your womanhood. PS: Vibrators really do work well. LOL You are just amazing. Keep up the good work, I am a huge fan of your writing.

    Like

    1. Hi Pico, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. You should never be afraid to date an independent woman but you should never ask her to tone down her independence, instead you should embrace and love her for who she is, especially when it’s reciprocated.

      Like

  3. This was an insightful read! But I think irrespective of anyone’s busyness in a relationship a striking balance comes when both parties agree to work out time for eachother.
    If the guy’s too busy, it may hurt the relationship likewise the lady. I think it’s a balance that helps build trust and comfort, if there’s a little sacrifice from both parties so they can see eachother more often I guess the relationships will grow stronger by the days.

    Like

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