But I love him…..

“But I love him”

“He’s been through a lot in his life. He lost his father when he was young and he comes from a broken home.”

“I can’t leave him also. I can’t do that to him.”

“He’s not actually that bad once you get to know him”

“He was my first, I don’t see myself being with anyone else… I love him”

I heard the words echo at the back of my head, it all seemed too familiar, too close to home, too disturbing. Shattered glass, broken promises, lights blazing, sometimes it felt like lightning… it happened one too many times yet it caught me by surprise every time.

“I’m ruined. You’re ruined. We’re  both ruined. We’re ruining each other. This is tragic”

Bruises….screams….sobs… sympathy… and the cycle starts again.

I remember being young at home sitting on a chair wearing my best Sunday clothes, my sister holding my shoulder… I kept hearing screams… broken glass.. shattered on the floor.

“Mom’s in hospital again, daddy lost his temper….again”

I was six years old, I had on my best church attire, I didn’t know what was happening but I knew when Daddy lost his temper mommy ended up in hospital.

Now here I am standing at a crossroads, he’s hit me one to many times. I could always cover it up when it happened with no one around.

“I fell down the stairs.. you know how clumsy I am.”

I couldn’t this time, my sister and cousin were standing 5 steps away from us. When the second strike touched my face all I could see was stars… maybe he’ll stop at the second strike this time. It’s okay, he just lost his temper… again. He started crying, I couldn’t… I was too numb.

“I’m ruined. You’re ruined. We’re  both ruined. We’re ruining each other. This is tragic”

It was a lot of things, it was insecurity, it was personal issues, I could never admit that it was abuse. He was physically abusing me, assaulting me and then emotionally blackmailing me to stay with him. I have never admitted it to anyone until I heard my friend tell me her story last week. It felt like my whole world was obliterated, like a gimmick, a revelation. I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend for four years and whenever I speak of the problems we had I cite “cheating” as the reason we broke up, him hitting me never seemed to phase me. Why? Let’s put modesty aside, I know I’m a very intelligent woman, I know what abuse is, I know what domestic abuse is yet it happened to me for four years and I never mentioned a word of it to a soul.

“Mom’s in hospital again, daddy lost his temper….again”

I was in an abusive relationship for four years and I stayed because it seemed normal to me. It felt okay, it was an environment I was a part of for sometime in my life, and I never knew how much damage that created in me until recently. I got a “warrior” tattoo last week and I slept on my side as the tattoo artist was busy with the design, I closed my eyes and thought of all the times I’ve justified someone I love doing an injustice to me with….

“But I love him…”

Does he love me though? Did he ever love me? Love doesn’t hurt. That’s what we often do in relationships, we ruin each other. We take and we take but we leave emptier than when we entered the relationship.

I felt a tingle on the back of my throat, I felt a tear fall from my eyes. As I closed my eyes I wanted it to hurt, I really wanted the tattoo to hurt, I wanted it to hurt more than all the hurt I’ve succumbed to. As I lay on that side, I felt every tingle of ink entering my skin

“Warrior”

I felt it and I wept for all the parts of me I’ve lost in every relationship I have ever been in. For every time I let him hurt me.. continuously….because I loved him… for every loss.

I’ve survived it all and everyday of my life I am still picking up the pieces. I still have BIG trust issues and insecurities and I often find myself overeating or under eating and everyday I need to remind myself that it’s okay. I don’t have it all figured out, I don’t have all the answers, I am not always in control and most times than I want to admit I need reassurance and I want someone else to be strong for me. It took me 25 years to learn that being vulnerable is okay, that it’s okay to show weakness, it’s okay to not try to always be so perfect.. because I’m not perfect and I will never be perfect.. I don’t want to be perfect, it’s too great a burden to carry.

One of my friends asked me the other day what is the one thing I look for in a relationship, and I said “security, commitment, communication, respect, understanding.. I want to feel safe, protected and loved“. That’s all I want.

So if you’re reading this and you feel sad, abandoned, insecure, broken, hopeless and ruined, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I survived every bad thing that has ever happened to me and so can you. It’s not easy, I am writing this blog with tears streaming down my face because I still find it hard to believe how far I’ve come and all the things I have survived, but everyday I rise and I become stronger and so are you. Before you justify domestic abuse by saying “But I love him…” ask yourself first

“Does he love you? Do you love yourself? Is this what you’ve always had in mind when you pictured love?”

Abuse, in any form or shape is not an indication of love. You deserve better and you can do better. You are a survivor. A warrior. A conqueror.