There’s this book I coincidentally started reading about two weeks prior to my break-up called “Eat.Pray.Love”. Basically, it’s about a woman who travels around the world after being divorced in search of enlightenment. Needless to say this book came at such a pivotal moment in my life, it’s like God was sending me a sign from heaven “Girl, you’re about to get your heart broken, so you better start taking pointers and preparing yourself“. Well, in a more God-Like tone, but you get the gist.
Two days after my break-up, I decided to get back into the dating pool (Yes, I said TWO DAYS). I unblocked all the guys I had blocked, I started accepting date offers, I made it clear that I was single again. Three days later, I had a date arranged with this very sweet guy (If you’re reading this, I really do apologize). A friend of mine set me up with this guy after he saw a picture of me and wanted to meet me, I didn’t really know him well so I accepted, there hadn’t been much encounter between us prior to our date and I failed to mention that I was fresh off a break-up. Good looking guy, witty, smart, well-traveled and all round great guy. Ten minutes into the conversation I notice he has an accent (Okay Sibahle, he probably just has an accent that reminds you of your ex, nothing more to it), as he speaks I keep getting reminded of my ex. I don’t give out anything, conversation goes on for hours, wine is pouring in, we start making out – we’re vibing, it’s cool. We decide to move to a second place – We’re both on leave and we’re both catching flights to Joburg the following day so you know, we can go on for as long as we want. When we get to the second restaurant, I’m drunk and his accent is now just getting to me, after making out with him a few more times I eventually cannot hold it in-
“OMG YOUR ACCENT REMINDS ME OF MY EX-BOYFRIEND. WE JUST BROKE UP 5 DAYS AGO, I STILL LOVE HIM AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, I’M SO SORRY. I’M GONNA GO TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND’S HOUSE NOW”
Well, considering I broke down in an Uber car after the driver asked me if he should take the N1 or the Main Road, this wasn’t the worst thing.
“I don’t know, I’m so tired of people asking me things. I don’t know everything. I’m not that strong, I’m not in control. I’m just tired, I’m tired of talking and I’m tired of being asked things” and then I started crying. Poor Uber Driver had to stop the car and apologize for asking me my route preference.
I won’t mention how I requested an Uber ride in tears and basically cried for the duration of the trip. I wonder what kind of feedback these Uber drivers were leaving on my Uber profile.
“Do not accept her request because she will cry when you say Good Morning, or ask her how she is, or ask her which route she prefers, actually, even if you just breathe, she will still cry”
I had a conversation with one of my friends the other day and she asked me how I handled my break-up so “gracefully”. I didn’t, there was nothing “graceful” about me drunk-dialing my ex every other day or me going to his house when I got drunk. It was messy, it was ugly, it was tragic!
There is this woman I know who remained single for 18 YEARS after she got her heart broken. She just recently entered a relationship and everyone thought she would never date again. Some scars run deeper than we could ever imagine and there is no recipe or formula to be followed in mending a broken heart. I remember when I went through what I refer to as one of the hardest break-ups in my entire life and it was also one of my shortest relationships. I went to google to check how long it takes to get over someone, of cause google never disappoints, the answer I got was that it takes half the duration of the relationship, in my head I was like this is amazing, the relationship was only six months so after 3 months I should be able to get back into the dating pool as per google. Seven months later, I was still attending break-up meditation sessions and crying myself to sleep.
“Delete the number.”
“Block the person on social media”
“Delete all pictures”
What happens when you follow all these steps and you still find yourself thinking about the person everyday? Is there something wrong with you then?
One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther King Jr says,
“If you can’t fly then run. If you can’t run then walk. If you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you HAVE to keep moving forward”
The secret is in putting one foot in-front of the other, moving forward even if all you do is wake up everyday and face the world. Healing takes time and letting go takes courage. Heart-break has taught me that besides the relationship I have with God, the relationship I have with myself is fundamental in moving on. I had to learn to forgive myself, to speak kind words to myself, to cherish my heart, to take care of my spirit and to love every part of myself. My ex colleagues used to tease me and say “When God was giving out confidence Sibs was first in line and she got an extra dose.” and we’d all laugh about it. I am a very confident person only because I know how it feels to hate myself, I know how it feels to think I am not good enough because of rejection. That’s another thing with getting your heart broken, it changes you as a person, it makes your stronger. I am a firm believer that you don’t meet anyone by chance or by accident in life. Everyone we come across serves a purpose, whether that is to love us, leave us, break us or mould us – there is always a lesson to be learnt, and I still maintain that there is no relationship or heart-break that could ever make me lose faith in love. Love is beautiful, I have it now with God, I have it with myself, I have it with my loved ones and I have it in my current relationship. I never lost it to begin with, it’s always been within and around me, I just lost the person who I felt was a representation of it to me.
People often say “Fake it till you make it”, NO! I much prefer “FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT”, and it doesn’t matter how bad it looks now, you WILL make it and all the love you’ve given WILL find it’s way back to you. I don’t envy the people who go from relationship to relationship and don’t feel a thing, when I was crying myself to sleep I thought I did. Letting yourself feel is a beautiful thing, allowing your heart to love again after having it shattered into pieces is a courageous act. Feel, cry, curse, scream, laugh! If you can feel the pain and anger so deep, imagine how deeply you will feel that love and happiness when it finds its way back to you.