There was a time in my life where I was totally off the path! With this, I mean I did everything for the wrong reasons. I was confused, self-pitying myself for years. I even turned my back on God with the intentions of never opening a bible again. I didn’t want to go to church or even talk about Christianity. I just believed that if God loved me the way everyone claims, why did all these bad things happen to me? Where was He when I needed Him? (Can you relate to this?) I was angry.
The word “self-pity” came to me out of no where, and I decided to write about it, because I know there are a lot of people that struggle with this emotion, it is easier to blame someone else for your loses, then to actually blame yourself. You never look at what you did wrong forgetting that three fingers point at you when you point at someone else.
In my teenage years I was molested by a preacher, (I prefer to keep the person anonymous) for almost four years. I just could not get out of it. He was a well-known man in society, everyone believed every word that came out of his mouth. There were times that I wanted to stand up in church, interrupt his preaching, and let the congregation know what he was doing behind the scenes. He made me promise not to tell anyone, that I will never tell his wife… When she found out about this, she told me I was lying. Really?! It’s so disappointing when women don’t stand up for each other. I was 17 years old, by this age you know what is wrong and right. This surely did not feel right to me. I mean, this man was preaching everyday, telling people how they should live their lives and that they shouldn’t sin, yet behind the scenes he was living the complete opposite?
You made me hate God, you made me hate Christianity religion. You stole my Faith, you stole my belief. You completely tainted the image on God in my mind because of everything you did to me!!
When I graduated from High School, I packed my bags and left. I went to stay with my aunt and uncle. Just my luck, I had to get up every Sunday morning to go to church. In my mind I thought “Time wasting”!!! That is how I felt at the age of 19 about God. At this age, I would say that my life as a child was definitely not all moonshine and roses. Some of my clothes were hand made by my mother, which I was very proud of. The kids at school bullied me about this.
Financially we were poor… I used to have toys, I think there was only a yellow teddy bear (that I named Buksie), a Hawaiian Barbie doll and a blue and pink bunny teddy that my parents bought for me. All my other toys was second hand. I can still remember my father cut my roller skates open in the front to make it bigger for me. This was a present from someone, I think. So I am used to having little, I am used to having second hand stuff…but all of this taught me to take good care of my stuff.
For almost 9 years I struggled to get through this. I just couldn’t make peace with it. I questioned God almost everyday. I actually prayed to God to just take me away, just let me die and all will be over. The problem was that I felt entitled, I believed that everyone owes me something, the world hates me and I will never be able to get over all these bad things that happened. I will never be able to apologise to the people that I have done wrong. Never once in this dark time of my life did I actually think I am contributing to all this heartache I was feeling everyday.
When I moved to Cape Town, I was forced to take part in a seminar called “Travel Lite”. I did not want to do this, I was not ready yet to let it go. I still wanted to self-pity myself. I was so scared, I did not want to tell anyone. Maybe this was the devils way to keep me in his hands. This seminar was for 4 weeks, once a week there was a get together. The best part is, you even got homework!!! (Yeah! Not my type of fun). As a sweet little girl I did my homework, told my story to the group, and this gave me forgiveness.
Before I wrote this post, I did a bit of research about self-pity and it shocked me to find out that self-pity can actually drive a person to insanity. You become so self-centred, focusing on disappointments, heartaches. Today, I write this blog post with a grateful heart. I am grateful that I was forced to deal with my demons and in turn it made ma take time to heal myself. My journey brought me closer to God. It helped me make peace with everything I have gone through in my life, I had to stop being so miserable. I also realized that self-pity will not bring me any satisfaction. No-one owes me happiness, I owe it to myself. I had to forgive myself for allow my mind to wallow in self-pit for all these years. Happiness is self-made and there is enough for everyone in this world!There is enough for everyone in this world! I am a beautiful disaster!!!