Getting over a broken heart

There’s this book I coincidentally started reading about two weeks prior to my break-up called “Eat.Pray.Love”. Basically, it’s about a woman who travels around the world after being divorced in search of enlightenment. Needless to say this book came at such a pivotal moment in my life, it’s like God was sending me a sign from heaven “Girl, you’re about to get your heart broken, so you better start taking pointers and preparing yourself“. Well, in a more God-Like tone, but you get the gist.

Two days after my break-up, I decided to get back into the dating pool (Yes, I said TWO DAYS). I unblocked all the guys I had blocked, I started accepting date offers, I made it clear that I was single again. Three days later, I had a date arranged with this very sweet guy (If you’re reading this, I really do apologize). A friend of mine set me up with this guy after he saw a picture of me and wanted to meet me, I didn’t really know him well so I accepted, there hadn’t been much encounter between us prior to our date and I failed to mention that I was fresh off a break-up. Good looking guy, witty, smart, well-traveled and all round great guy. Ten minutes into the conversation I notice he has an accent (Okay Sibahle, he probably just has an accent that reminds you of your ex, nothing more to it), as he speaks I keep getting reminded of my ex. I don’t give out anything, conversation goes on for hours, wine is pouring in, we start making out – we’re vibing, it’s cool. We decide to move to a second place – We’re both on leave and we’re both catching flights to Joburg the following day so you know, we can go on for as long as we want. When we get to the second restaurant, I’m drunk and his accent is now just getting to me, after making out with him a few more times I eventually cannot hold it in-

OMG YOUR  ACCENT REMINDS ME OF MY EX-BOYFRIEND. WE JUST BROKE UP 5 DAYS AGO, I STILL LOVE HIM AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, I’M SO SORRY. I’M GONNA GO TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND’S HOUSE NOW

Yikes!!

Well, considering I broke down in an Uber car after the driver asked me if he should take the N1 or the Main Road, this wasn’t the worst thing.

I don’t know, I’m so tired of people asking me things. I don’t know everything. I’m not that strong, I’m not in control. I’m just tired, I’m tired of talking and I’m tired of being asked things” and then I started crying. Poor Uber Driver had to stop the car and apologize for asking me my route preference.

I won’t mention how I requested an Uber ride in tears and basically cried for the duration of the trip. I wonder what kind of feedback these Uber drivers were leaving on my Uber profile.

Do not accept her request because she will cry when you say Good Morning, or ask her how she is, or ask her which route she prefers, actually, even if you just breathe, she will still cry

I had a conversation with one of my friends the other day and she asked me how I handled my break-up so “gracefully”. I didn’t, there was nothing “graceful” about me drunk-dialing my ex every other day or me going to his house when I got drunk. It was messy, it was ugly, it was tragic!

There is this woman I know who remained single for 18 YEARS after she got her heart broken. She just recently entered a relationship and everyone thought she would never date again. Some scars run deeper than we could ever imagine and there is no recipe or formula to be followed in mending a broken heart. I remember when I went through what I refer to as one of the hardest break-ups in my entire life and it was also one of my shortest relationships. I went to google to check how long it takes to get over someone, of cause google never disappoints, the answer I got was that it takes half the duration of the relationship, in my head I was like this is amazing, the relationship was only six months so after 3 months I should be able to get back into the dating pool as per google. Seven months later, I was still attending break-up meditation sessions and crying myself to sleep.

Delete the number.”

Block the person on social media

Delete all pictures

What happens when you follow all these steps and you still find yourself thinking about the person everyday? Is there something wrong with you then?

One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther King Jr says,

If you can’t fly then run. If you can’t run then walk. If you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you HAVE to keep moving forward

The secret is in putting one foot in-front of the other, moving forward even if all you do is wake up everyday and face the world. Healing takes time and letting go takes courage.  Heart-break has taught me that besides the relationship I have with God, the relationship I have with myself is fundamental in moving on. I had to learn to forgive myself, to speak kind words to myself, to cherish my heart, to take care of my spirit and to love every part of myself. My ex colleagues used to tease me and say “When God was giving out confidence Sibs was first in line and she got an extra dose.” and we’d all laugh about it. I am a very confident person only because I know how it feels to hate myself, I know how it feels to think I am not good enough because of rejection. That’s another thing with getting your heart broken, it changes you as a person, it makes your stronger. I am a firm believer that you don’t meet anyone by chance or by accident in life. Everyone we come across serves a purpose, whether that is to love us, leave us, break us or mould us – there is always a lesson to be learnt, and I still maintain that there is no relationship or heart-break that could ever make me lose faith in love. Love is beautiful, I have it now with God, I have it with myself, I have it with my loved ones and I have it in my current relationship. I never lost it to begin with, it’s always been within and around me, I just lost the person who I felt was a representation of it to me.

People often say “Fake it till you make it”, NO! I much prefer “FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT”, and it doesn’t matter how bad it looks now, you WILL make it and all the love you’ve given WILL find it’s way back to you. I don’t envy the people who go from relationship to relationship and don’t feel a thing, when I was crying myself to sleep I thought I did. Letting yourself feel is a beautiful thing, allowing your heart to love again after having it shattered into pieces is a courageous act. Feel, cry, curse, scream, laugh! If you can feel the pain and anger so deep, imagine how deeply you will feel that love and happiness when it finds its way back to you.

Never mind… you won’t find someone like me!

Have you seen how good I look lately? No, I mean have you seen my glow? Have you seen my body? This is not a junk-food eating body GIRL!!

I SAID THAT!!! Me, Sibahle Teyise, 25 years old! 5 February 2018, 13:20 at 22 Bree Street, I was having a conversation with my now ex colleagues and I legit said those words with a straight face, I didn’t even include a “LOL” after that. Like, I said the sentence and the conversation continued, I was not apologetic about it.

It’s a lie though! I eat Junk food, a lot, I don’t even eat it in moderation. I can have 2 big packets of Lays for Breakfast,  a burger and fries for lunch, a chocolate for a snack and a 3 course meal for dinner, I can do this for a whole week without fail. I know how to eat. I can eat. I know how to gain weight, I gain weight, quickly, frequently! So the not eating junk food part was a lie, but I do look good, that part wasn’t a lie. Seriously, I look good – and for the first time in my life I feel absolutely no guilt in saying that. More than anything though – I feel amazing, I feel happiness, contentment and gratitude.

Growing up I was never considered beautiful, I compensated for what I lacked in looks by being a top achiever. I worked my ass off and ensured I was always at the top of my class, pretty much got sponsored through high school. Once I accepted that I would never measure up to my sister’s level of beauty (We were compared when it came to looks and she always reigned, that girl is gorgeous, like effortlessly beautiful. She has scored the genetics lottery) I knew that I would be the nerd, I was happy, I was confident, I was the head girl and I knew that no-one dared to take me on academically, I somehow became “attractive” according to my peers – the most popular guy wanted to date me, I wonder what changed. Had he seen my sister? Was he sure he wanted me date ME? Only now do I realize it. My looks didn’t dramatically change but I had come into my own, I had accepted my flaws, I was confident and unapologetic about who I was, I was happy – happiness is attractive. Have you ever looked at someone when they talk about what they’re passionate about? That spark in their eyes? That passion? It’s attractive. Happiness is attractive! Excitement is attractive! Passion is attractive! Confidence is attractive! Happiness and beauty are in alignment, and with that comes confidence.

I’ve always thought that complimenting oneself is vain. Growing up I was taught modesty, however, there is nothing modest in amounting your worth to the validation you receive from others.

The greatest things I’ve done this year? I stopped weighing myself. I realized that my happiness cannot be measured by the number that appears on a scale. Of cause I work out and still look after myself but the most important thing for me right now is protecting my soul, whatever is good for myself that is what I’m doing.

I remember in early 2016 I tried to date this guy, long story short – it didn’t work out. Now, I have this rule of mine when I am dating –  You can’t be too attractive, like we can’t be on the same “attractive” level.

This guy was an exception to this rule, he was crazy attractive. Like he would jog without a t-shirt on, walk-in and slow music starts playing, i’d wake up in the middle of the night and stare him, I just wanted to kiss him every second, the really overwhelming hot. Get the picture? Seriously crazy attractive guy with an amazing body, he lifts okay? Anyway, the crazy thing about the relationship is just how he seemed to be infatuated with me, like “show me off” to his friends infatuated, it was kinda cool, coz I was like –

Really YOU? You wanna be seen with ME? You want every person to know that you’re with ME? Like, are you SURE? But OKAY!

That’s the problem, we are so out of tune with ourselves that it becomes hard to even let people love us because we feel like they’re out of our league. I tell you, try it! Just as easily as you forgive and understand when it comes to other people, try it with yourself, forgive yourself, understand yourself, compliment yourself, love yourself and appreciate yourself. It will not only change your perception of yourself but it will also change your perception of those around you. Know your worth and demand it, learn to walk away from things that no longer grow you.

Be humble please, by all means. It’s biblical! But don’t downplay yourself, you’re not doing anyone any favors.

You are beautiful inside and out. Wonderful top to bottom. Irreplaceable left and right. 

READ THAT AGAIN!!

Yes, I said IRREPLACEABLE! There is NOBODY that is you and that is priceless. Walk away from anyone who makes you feel ordinary because there is nothing ordinary about you.

So, like I said, have you seen how gorgeous I am? Have you looked at me lately? GIRL!!

 

But I love him…..

But I love him

He’s been through a lot in his life. He lost his father when he was young and he comes from a broken home.”

I can’t leave him also. I can’t do that to him.”

He’s not actually that bad once you get to know him

He was my first, I don’t see myself being with anyone else… I love him

I heard the words echo at the back of my head, it all seemed too familiar, too close to home, too disturbing. Shattered glass, broken promises, lights blazing, sometimes it felt like lightning… it happened one too many times yet it caught me by surprise every time.

I’m ruined. You’re ruined. We’re  both ruined. We’re ruining each other. This is tragic

Bruises….screams….sobs… sympathy… and the cycle starts again.

I remember being young at home sitting on a chair wearing my best Sunday clothes, my sister holding my shoulder… I kept hearing screams… broken glass.. shattered on the floor.

Mom’s in hospital again, daddy lost his temper….again

I was six years old, I had on my best church attire, I didn’t know what was happening but I knew when Daddy lost his temper mommy ended up in hospital.

Now here I am standing at a crossroads, he’s hit me one to many times. I could always cover it up when it happened with no one around.

I fell down the stairs.. you know how clumsy I am.”

I couldn’t this time, my sister and cousin were standing 5 steps away from us. When the second strike touched my face all I could see was stars… maybe he’ll stop at the second strike this time. It’s okay, he just lost his temper… again. He started crying, I couldn’t… I was too numb.

I’m ruined. You’re ruined. We’re  both ruined. We’re ruining each other. This is tragic

It was a lot of things, it was insecurity, it was personal issues, I could never admit that it was abuse. He was physically abusing me, assaulting me and then emotionally blackmailing me to stay with him. I have never admitted it to anyone until I heard my friend tell me her story last week. It felt like my whole world was obliterated, like a gimmick, a revelation. I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend for four years and whenever I speak of the problems we had I cite “cheating” as the reason we broke up, him hitting me never seemed to phase me. Why? Let’s put modesty aside, I know I’m a very intelligent woman, I know what abuse is, I know what domestic abuse is yet it happened to me for four years and I never mentioned a word of it to a soul.

Mom’s in hospital again, daddy lost his temper….again

I was in an abusive relationship for four years and I stayed because it seemed normal to me. It felt okay, it was an environment I was a part of for sometime in my life, and I never knew how much damage that created in me until recently. I got a “warrior” tattoo last week and I slept on my side as the tattoo artist was busy with the design, I closed my eyes and thought of all the times I’ve justified someone I love doing an injustice to me with….

But I love him…”

Does he love me though? Did he ever love me? Love doesn’t hurt. That’s what we often do in relationships, we ruin each other. We take and we take but we leave emptier than when we entered the relationship.

I felt a tingle on the back of my throat, I felt a tear fall from my eyes. As I closed my eyes I wanted it to hurt, I really wanted the tattoo to hurt, I wanted it to hurt more than all the hurt I’ve succumbed to. As I lay on that side, I felt every tingle of ink entering my skin

Warrior

I felt it and I wept for all the parts of me I’ve lost in every relationship I have ever been in. For every time I let him hurt me.. continuously….because I loved him… for every loss.

I’ve survived it all and everyday of my life I am still picking up the pieces. I still have BIG trust issues and insecurities and I often find myself overeating or under eating and everyday I need to remind myself that it’s okay. I don’t have it all figured out, I don’t have all the answers, I am not always in control and most times than I want to admit I need reassurance and I want someone else to be strong for me. It took me 25 years to learn that being vulnerable is okay, that it’s okay to show weakness, it’s okay to not try to always be so perfect.. because I’m not perfect and I will never be perfect.. I don’t want to be perfect, it’s too great a burden to carry.

One of my friends asked me the other day what is the one thing I look for in a relationship, and I said “security, commitment, communication, respect, understanding.. I want to feel safe, protected and loved“. That’s all I want.

So if you’re reading this and you feel sad, abandoned, insecure, broken, hopeless and ruined, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I survived every bad thing that has ever happened to me and so can you. It’s not easy, I am writing this blog with tears streaming down my face because I still find it hard to believe how far I’ve come and all the things I have survived, but everyday I rise and I become stronger and so are you. Before you justify domestic abuse by saying “But I love him…” ask yourself first

Does he love you? Do you love yourself? Is this what you’ve always had in mind when you pictured love?”

Abuse, in any form or shape is not an indication of love. You deserve better and you can do better. You are a survivor. A warrior. A conqueror.

Finding redemption in loss, love and gratitude.

One of my good friends asked me to write and share her story. For the first time since I started JAGWAT I interviewed someone, wrote and published under my name as she specifically asked not to be published under JAGWAT INCOGNITO. I’ve always said she has a great story that would inspire many more. It’s a beautiful story of love, loss, Grace and overcoming and it has truly touched my heart and inspired me, I hope it will do the same for you all.

“I met *Sam in October 1999, I was doing a project at a friends house and he was outside washing a car. He asked for my name and I lied and said my name was Zoe, the typical “playing hard to get” game. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, I wasn’t sure what it was about him that intrigued me. After a few days he came to see me at my house and things took off as friendly, after some time he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. The relationship continued and he would come see me everyday, I introduced him to my parents as my friend and they were okay with this. We went to high school together but when he turned 17 he dropped out to find work so he could support his family. Ours was considered a weird match, this English speaking girl dating a “Cape Flats” guy – I knew that my heart was his though, right from the beginning.

In 2002 we decided to be “naughty”, we were each others firsts. I was 15 years old and he was 17 years old. I started getting sick and my mom took me to the doctor, he examined me and said nothing was wrong.  I still felt sick, Sam took me to the clinic for a second opinion and I was informed that I was 11 weeks pregnant – at 15 years old!! We were given options and eventually transferred and I was given counselling for an abortion. I went back home and didn’t tell anyone about this. Sam’s mom picked it up and she went to tell my parents about this. I saw my life and future being decided right in front of me and I had no say, I just stood there.

My Mom : “There is no way *Sara is keeping this baby

My Dad : “But its murder”

Sam’s Mom : ” I am washing my hands off this

Ultimately the decision was my moms. I still remember the day, it was a Thursday appointment at 08:00am, Sam was right by my side. There were 10 ladies in the waiting room, they were all grown ladies, I was the youngest. We were all called in one by one, when it was my turn I was given a pill to put under my tongue, I immediately felt the pain – I screamed and asked for pain killers. When I went into theatre it was dark and empty, it was almost a reflection of how I felt at that moment – dark and empty. When I left I felt the blood on my legs, I got home and my dad was sitting with friends – he gave me one look and looked down with a heavy sigh. I went to bath, I scrubbed and I scrubbed. I felt so dirty, I wanted to get rid of everything, the pain, the shame, the guilt – I wanted to scrub it all away. My mom came and asked me to give back the ring she had given me years ago, “I am writing you off” she said.  My dad banned Sam from seeing me, a few weeks passed, he was persistent and came to my house everyday, eventually my dad couldn’t keep us apart. Sam doted on me, he picked me up from school everyday, he provided my toiletry and watered me like a flower. I eventually matriculated but because of financial constraints I had to get a job.

A year after I matriculated – 19 years old – I found out I was pregnant and on the 11th of May 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. After two months I went back to work and got permanent employment. I was still staying with my parents and Sam would come to see the baby everyday and whenever we had to part ways the baby would cry for him. In 2011 we decided to get our own place and to get married. 1 October 2011 we moved in together and rented a separate entrance and on the 22nd of October 2011 we got married. I asked my father to give me away on my wedding day and he refused, a day before my wedding we got into a heated argument and he eventually agreed to walk me down the aisle. In 2013 I fell pregnant and while pregnant Sam lost his mother, my relationship with my parents was okay and Sam’s sisters disliked me. On the 19th of April 2014 I gave birth to an absolutely stunning baby girl with my husband by my side. After giving birth I dozed off and all I could hear was Sam screaming “Don’t you fall asleep, please stay with me“.

We decided to fast for a month for our own house and on the 1st of June 2017 we moved into our own house, just as we were moving in our furniture I came across a small cross on the door, I picked it up and immediately felt at home. Sam and I have been together for 19 years and it still feels new everyday. When he drops me at the taxi rank, he messages me the taxi number plate everyday, we call each other everyday and he still waters me like a flower.

With this man, we’ve loved, we’ve lost, we’ve been rejected and abandoned but most of all, we’ve received Grace. It hasn’t been an easy road but it has helped us rely only on God and each other. We don’t have everything we want but we do have everything that we need and that is each other, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

**Sam – Not his real name.

**Sara – Not his real name.

 

 

Going vegan for love… My 2017 in review

What a year this has been!! I still get overwhelmed with emotion every time I reflect on all the life changing experiences I have encountered in 2017.

When I reflect on 2017, 4 dates and 4 words pop into my head

3 April 2017 – Control

10 May 2017 – Betrayal

15 September 2017 – Heartbreak

4 October 2017 – Grace

I’ve never fallen so low, I’ve never cried so hard to the point of sobbing with no tears coming out of my eyes. I broke down in front of my bosses, I couldn’t contain it, I couldn’t pretend that I was okay and that I was strong, I couldn’t fathom the level of betrayal I had encountered and I had never been so vulnerable in all my 25 years of living. I don’t know how I survived, I don’t understand how I went through everything and still managed to come out a stronger and happier person.

I remember calling my sister in tears and telling her:

I’ve never been so broken Zenande, I’ve never fallen so low. I don’t know how I’m going to get up from this. I don’t know how I’m going to survive

I recall some time in May this year I went to the bathroom and prayed to God that I get into an accident and be hospitalised for at least 2 months so I wouldn’t have to deal with everything that was happening. I wanted to escape, the thought of buying a ticket for the first flight out of SA and going to start a life elsewhere also came to mind. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t have the strength for tomorrow, I didn’t have the strength to wake up and face the world, I just didn’t have the strength to fake it.

Have you ever had a group of people betray you and still manage to talk to you and look you in the eye as if nothing happened? Have you ever had someone stab you in the back and when the truth resurfaces they play the victim? I betrayed you to save you? WOW! Humanity is deep.

I don’t believe in karma, I personally think believing in both Karma and Grace is contradictory. Grace lets us know that we all fall short of God’s glory for we all sin and are imperfect, but it is through Grace that we are justified. I am a firm believer in Grace and I know that we all sin in different ways. I never speak karma upon anyone for I know whatever happens forms part of the will of God. I remember reading 2nd Samuel on the bible and being frustrated at all the bad things that were happening and how God was not doing anything. 2 Samuel 17:14, while reading the verse 3 words stuck on my mind “The Lord had decided”. I sobbed and I thought to myself, God sees everything, He is all knowing and all powerful, He watches and He decides. He decides to restore your happiness, to bring prosperity, health, peace, joy, honour and pride.

I didn’t turn vegan for dietary requirements or for fun, I turned vegan as a way to discipline myself. I knew I had addictions – I was addicted to the pain of my failed relationship, I was addicted to having a glass of wine every day and I was addicted to binge eating. I had to train myself to let go of things that no longer served me and I knew if I could control myself by not eating certain foods and completely cutting out coffee, alcohol and social media for some time I would be able to control some urges. I could have meat/alcohol/dairy products if I wanted to, I had a CHOICE, it was all up to me. I CHOSE not to eat any of those things because I wanted to train myself to be aware that I can CHOOSE to stay miserable or to get up and try again. I had to CHOOSE to get up and start afresh, to learn from everything and to grow. I turned vegan because I CHOSE to fall in-love with myself again, to fall in love with my life again and I knew the only way to do that was to cut out all my addictions and concentrate on the core of the problem. I always give people this shallow reason when they ask why I decided to turn vegan, but it goes much deeper than cutting out certain foods. Forty days later, I still have a glass of bubbly now and then and I still have my coffee because I know that I possess the power to control myself should I choose to. I turned vegan because I loved myself and I knew that the things I was currently doing were not serving me any purpose besides sinking me deeper into this pitiful hole that I had let my circumstances create for me.

For me the greatest thing about 2017 is the fact that I didn’t just survive everything that happened to me, but I thrived. I’ve never been so content as I am right now. I have formed the strongest bonds with people based on strong principle, relationships where I can comfortably sit with people and speak about God for hours on end, people who encourage me to wake up at 00:00 to pray. I’ve never had a better spiritual relationship with God, I speak to Him everyday, I trust in Him more and I have found strength and contentment in giving Him control. The rain falls more often on my head and I no longer run but I appreciate it. This might sound vain but I feel like my body is getting better and I just fall more in love with myself everyday. I speak up more, I stand up for myself more often, I love deeper, I laugh harder and I appreciate humanity more. I am seeing more places and speaking to more people. I’m not yet looking for a relationship but I am more open to the possibility of dating again.

This year has taught me forgiveness, self-discipline, self-love, acceptance, vulnerability, letting go of the need to control everything, spontaneity, gratitude, courage, strength and acceptance. It has been a difficult year but it has also been the greatest year for learning, growing, overcoming and connecting. Looking back now, all that betrayal, the heartbreak, all those weeks I cried myself to sleep, they all helped me become the person I am today. I am so thankful for all those moments, for all those people, because each and every one of them has played a huge role in shaping the woman I have become today. My God, I’m breathing underwater!

Dear insecure men

 

We have become the men we wanted to marry” Gloria Steinem

I hate to even think that I should explain myself but……..

My job is very demanding, I don’t have a 9-5 job, I have a “work until I meet deadlines and the event is done” job. I don’t have a fulltime office job, I have a “work where I’m needed” job. Sometimes I work on the weekends, most days I leave the office after 8pm and start before 7am, some days I’m neither in office nor in Cape Town – I love it this way, I love the adventure, I love the thrill of the unknown, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m 25 years old and being the youngest in my department, I feel like I’m in a good place professionally. I started working when I was 15 years old, from in-store promotions to events promotions to brand ambassador to promotions manager at 19 years old. I’ve always loved the concept of independence, I never liked asking my mom for money, perhaps it’s because I was raised by a single parent. My mother worked hard for my siblings and I, she never wanted us to feel like we were different from other kids, she wanted us to feel like we were supported by both parents, she showed me what independence meant, she showed the true strength of a woman.

I stopped asking my mom for money very early on in my teenage years, I’ve never liked asking anyone for money, I’ve always believed in working hard for what I want and earning it, this always helped me appreciate the value of what I had and not take anything for granted. I’ve always thought independence was an attractive trait in a woman until I was recently referred to as being “too independent” as a negative characteristic by a man who said he would never date “someone like me“. When I was an events manager at 20 years old, I hired my first boyfriend while we were still dating, I had to manage him amongst 80 other people, suffice to say the relationship didn’t last long after that. I remember when I was still dating and I had “relationship issues” I spoke to one of my guy friends to explain the situation and get guy advise, he said “I also wouldn’t feel safe dating you. You’re too busy shame and with everything that’s happening with girls it’s hard to trust someone like you“.

Are we really that screwed up as a generation that when a woman is seen living a good life and travelling to expensive places we automatically assume she is being financed by some older behind the scenes man? A woman cannot have a good job without it automatically being assumed she slept her way to the top? What happened to getting things on merit? What happened to woman working hard for themselves? Woman going on vacations by themselves with their own damn money? Has the “blessed” phenomenon really messed us up that much? I find it derogatory to have to explain how I can afford certain things because it is assumed that a woman of my age, culture and background is not able to do the things I do without a man. It’s insanity to have to think that when I am in a relationship I have to now provide evidence of why I am staying at 5 star hotels so frequently. It’s ludicrous! As a woman it really is not my job to make a man feel secure in a relationship.

I went on two dates with a guy this other time, we didn’t really have chemistry on the first date but I thought I should give him a second chance because I enjoyed his company and he was just a genuinely good hearted person. On our second date we went hiking and I felt so comfortable around him that it was easy for me to babble on (mostly because I had decided he was going straight to the friend zone), while I was talking he asked me “So what about me? With everything you do in your life when will you have time for me? It took us 2 months to have our second date because of your schedule, I’m worried you won’t have time for me, for us“. At that point my heart broke because I personally knew I didn’t really have time for a relationship and also because he was so sincere. I will be honest enough to admit that I suck at finding balance when it comes to other factors of my life versus dating, mostly because at this point of my life a relationship is the fifth most important thing in my life, it’s sad but it’s true. I wrote a blog where I explained how I am in a relationship because I WANT to and not because I NEED to, that might be the problem, the need really isn’t that big.

One of the things I enjoyed about my previous relationship was the fact that even though my ex did get a bit uneasy about my travelling, lifestyle and working hours he knew how to work around my life. Dates like “let’s go running after work” or let’s stay in and order take-outs with wine after a long day’s work, let’s go hiking – things that I would normally do on my own, it helped me adjust to dating again, the relationship didn’t suffocate me. I didn’t feel like I was losing a part of myself because I wanted to sustain a relationship. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. Woman are busy chasing careers, chasing their goals, chasing academics etc. as a men if you like someone you need to keep up, you need to find a way to integrate your life. It’s a give and take, but women are no longer chasing dead-end relationships or boyfriends who bring nothing to the table except empty promises, average sex, emotional baggage and heart break.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday and she was updating me on her ex boyfriend who stalked her for months on end when they were still dating. He hacked onto her phone, sent messages to everyone she was talking to, wanted her to move in with him and pretty much wanted to control her every move. It was an obsession and they were only together for two months. Is it just me or are guys just becoming more insecure these days? I’m sorry if your ex cheated on you or if your ex left you for someone who had more materialistic things to offer than you did, but I refuse to pay for someone else’s sin. I refuse to tone down my independence because I want to make you feel “secure” or “more like a man“.

I pay my own bills, open my own doors, take my own self out to movies and lunch, tell myself I’m  beautiful, go on vacations with my girls or on my own and I find that vibrators work quite well without the emotional connotation. Don’t get me wrong, I love companionship, I love having someone to go home to, someone to laugh with, talk to, someone to hug and kiss, someone to go hiking with, I love having someone to hold hands with and someone to vent to. I love being in a relationship, I love having someone to drink coffee with on a Sunday morning and I love those 3am “I can’t sleep” conversations. I believe in love and I believe in soul mates and I know that with the right person everything always falls into place. I won’t settle though, I won’t compromise and I won’t change the things I love doing because I want to make someone else feel secure. If you want to date me, the above comes with the territory. If this scares you or makes you feel like I’m too independent, then you may kindly exit left!